Project: Protect Our Kids - Preventing Exposure to Violence
Organization: Transitions Family Violence Services
Hampton, VA
Story submitted by Marcy Wright, Executive Director

Tanya’s Story

Crawling out of bed on her hands and knees Tanya could barely make it to the bathroom due to the pain she was feeling from the night before. Once in the bathroom she figured she’d be okay. She’d be able to somehow wash away and cover up the terrible pain she had inside and out. She’d be able to put a smile on for the children and the world to know that there was nothing wrong with her. She told everyone she was “just fine thank you.”

But we know Tanya was not fine. And as is often the case, her family knew what was going on but they all made her think she was crazy. They said no one in this family had left their husband in four generations and what was wrong with her? Nor had anyone experienced domestic violence in this family. Wow, Tanya thought, “what a failure I am.”

Her thoughts wandered to her three wonderful children. She could see what was happening to herself. But could they possibly be suffering too?

Her answer came soon enough. That afternoon her son Dante’s teacher, Ms. Roberts, called. Ms. Roberts said Dante told her he was afraid to come home from school. He told her when he stepped off that school bus it seemed like he was walking into a long, dark tunnel. And at the end of that tunnel was the scariest place on earth. That scary place was his home. Tanya felt like that dark tunnel was closing in on her and her family’s secret.

Now, as Tanya recalls, she was lucky that day. Dante’s teacher knew about the Protect Our Kids program. Ms. Roberts said they understood how domestic violence affected families. And that they would know how to help Tanya and her children. Ms. Roberts asked was it okay for Protect Our Kids to call? Tanya thought - what could happen that was worse than her son being afraid to come home?

That very next day Theresa called. She asked how Tanya was and they talked about many things. Things that Tanya had told her family before and they didn’t believe her, Theresa did. She also explained how Protect Our Kids could help Dante and her two daughters. And they could help her too.

Theresa and her co-worker, Kellie, went out to Tanya’s house. When they got there nobody answered the door. They knew that survivors of family violence were often fearful and might cancel appointments or have barriers to getting the help they needed. They knew ways to reach out to families who needed their help. Over the next several days Theresa and Kellie talked to Tanya over the phone and reassured her until she felt okay about them. She decided to visit them in their office instead of having them come to the house.

When Tanya arrived at the Protect Our Kids office she was overwhelmed with how helpful everyone was. When she was ready she talked and talked while Theresa listened. Theresa wanted to make sure Tanya was safe and they went over a safety plan. They also talked about the children and how they may have been affected by witnessing the violence at home. They talked about help Tanya needed and the choices available for her family. Through Protect Our Kids and its community partners, there were shelters, counseling, legal advocacy, employment and housing assistance, support groups, art therapy for the children.

Once Tanya had found help for her children she was able to focus on the help she needed. She, like so many survivors of family violence, found it hard to realize how emotionally and sometimes physically abusive her husband was. She said he always apologized for losing his temper and made it up to her afterward. And, Tanya thought, at least he wasn’t a drunk like her sister’s husband. It was through talking with the counselor and some of the women in the support group that it really dawned on her that she was being abused. That she wasn’t crazy like her family said she was.

Tanya told Theresa and Kellie that all those nights when her husband had been threatening to her and she thought the kids were in bed asleep, now she realized that they often weren’t. That they were lying awake scared and wondering if she would be all right. Tanya knew through her counseling that children who witness violence have a much greater risk of growing up to become violent or to become a victim of violence. She thought about Dante and his two little sisters.

She was glad her children were getting help from Protect Our Kids. Now they were being helped through counseling and art therapy to recover from witnessing the violence. Dante and his sisters were going to be okay. That inspired her to realize that she could separate from her husband and make it on her own.

Now Tanya says her son is not afraid to come home. He’s doing better in school, too. And Tanya says she’s not afraid anymore either. Tanya is now working part-time as a Mary Kay consultant and is helping other women to feel good about themselves. And if she meets any who have secrets they’re trying to cover up, she knows just what to tell them and keeps small cards from Protect Our Kids to offer them.

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