Project: YAVAPAI County - Mental Health Services for the Uninsured
Organization: YAVAPAI County Community Health services
Prescott, AZ
A client story submitted by Sherri Burmeister, Mental Health Program Coordinator, Community Health Center of Yavapai.

My Life Is a Novel

I'm living in a shed in the backyard. It's January. There's no heat, no running water and I'm barred from entering my own home...20 feet away. I just can't figure out how I ended up here.

22 years earlier, I was a beautiful model. Dating a rich man, living a jet-setter life. Dancing in clubs every night. Fancy meals, expensive clothing, travel. Which led to meaningless sex, drugs and sex clubs. Every day of my life was more frantic than the one before.

I grew up with a father who looked at me as a sexual partner. Beaten down physically, verbally and emotionally since I was 2. But I had big dreams for my future. I was going to get out of there...get away from him...and I did. At 16 I moved out, and ended up dating men just like my father. Over and over. It was like I found him in another body. Abuse, control. Loss of time. Loss of identity. Waking up in strange rooms, with people I didn't know. Often wearing clothing that wasn't mine.

Now I'm mother to 5 children and carrying more than 100 extra pounds. I feel like who I am is hidden away in folds of fat. But my mind hasn't changed. I'm intelligent, even though I never obtained an education past high school, or got any real training. So when my abusive husband forced me to live in this shed and brought his lover to live in my home, I didn't know what to do. I certainly wasn't prepared to support myself and my children. Through all this turmoil, my one consistent joy was writing. Years ago I began a journal and was using entries from it to write a novel about my life experiences.

My older children were in trouble with the law and I felt helpless about it. The only skill I had was being a homemaker. So I got a job as a home manager, working with developmentally disabled adults. I really cared about them, but soon my job performance was less than desirable. Often I called in at the last minute to say "I can't make it to work today." I cried at work...more than once. I was overwhelmed by life. Eventually I left to avoid being fired. I literally had nothing left to give my children or myself. I had to ask for help.

I got involved with an agency that trains women for work and mentors them through school and the job seeking process. They asked me to do some public speaking for them. Through their agency I won scholarship after scholarship for my public speaking and writing skills. Over $85,000 to use however I wished. So I enrolled in college and went to every writer's workshop that was offered locally. My goal was still to have my novel published. In the meantime, I got a job at a bank and was dating a really nice guy.

One day I complained to my friend that my nice boyfriend was boring. She, being a professional therapist, explained to me that there is a difference between "boring" and "comfortable." We talked a lot about being addicted to chaos. I understood and made a decision to stick with my job and my boyfriend to try living comfortably for a while.

Six months later I was dancing and drinking at bars every night. Enjoying my manic high so much I didn't want to even discuss taking steps to end it. I began going home with strangers and taking them home with me. I lost my job at the bank and broke up with my nice boyfriend.

At this point a friend told me about the Community Health Center. I got an appointment and was referred to mental health. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Dissociative Disorder, which she told me used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. Finally...an explanation for a lifetime of missing time, strangers who seemed to know me, clothing appearing and disappearing mysteriously! In therapy, several different personalities came out. I learned that I would remain in one personality for months at a time. Another one coming out to find that major upheavals had happened, or that things had calmed down...and this personality was not pleased about it.

I know this sounds crazy, but I felt relieved to know. And frightened at the same time. So I skipped my next counseling appointment. Honestly, I considered never going back. But I called to reschedule and I've been seeing my counselor and psychiatrist regularly since then. My personalities are getting to know each other and learning to work together as one.

With each session I felt stronger. My counselor says that my comments during therapy tell the story of each goal I've reached: "I told Mark to move out...and he did!" "I'm living in my own house again...with no man. And I like it!" "I got a job!"

I've lost 50 pounds and the shed in the yard is back to being a place to store tools. I like to look out my kitchen window and see that shed. It reminds me of everything I've worked so hard to get.

Now I'm back in college, on my scholarship money, working, and I'm ready to start writing again. This year may be the most interesting chapter of my novel yet.

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